2004-02-25
09:47
I think if Voltaire were alive today, he would probably write an opinion column for a weekly alternative newspaper in Seattle or Austin. I say this knowing little about Voltaire, except that he was a poet and philosopher and the only guys I know that describe themselves that way usually work the day shift at a Burrito place and perform open mic poetry every Tuesday at some Coffee house called St. Agatha’s Scar. So, my logic is that Voltaire would reach the upper echelon of these guys and achieve the intellectual Holy Grail of telling the rest of the world what is wrong with them, and get paid for it. I think the column would be called Voltaire’s Corner and next to the bi-line would be a shadowy picture of Voltaire, looking sternly at the camera, resting his chin on his fist. He would become well known for his biting political satire, and pimp slapping of the status quo. This popularity would pay the literary dividend of appearing on Charlie Rose and the Daily Show.
My point is this is the path a greater thinker must take in our age if he chooses the written word as his vessel. On the other hand, if Voltaire had chosen the spoken word, the only real option would be stand-up comedy. Lets face it, poetry readings will never become popular because of the universal truth that there is nothing more uncomfortable then listening to other people’s child-hood traumas as read from a Mead Notebook. So, Voltaire would hit the road, opening for guitar acts at hotel bars across the Midwest. After a while, “Johnny Voltaire” (as he would become known) would grow tired of always having to drive and getting the small room at the condo. So he would change his act, like you know, sell out. He would say things like “those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities…with my dick!” With that, a new catch phrase would be born. Then Voltaire would be making $10,000 and air for the weekend, and unloading his entire stock of “with my dick” t-shirts. All the while, some bitter old hack would sip Jim Beam at the Red Lion Bar, after a show and tell some young comic how he gave Voltaire the line “with my dick.” Droning on most of the night, about how everyone else in the business screwed him, without taking any of the blame himself for not writing a joke since Family Ties was on the air.
I guess my point “those who make you believe absurdities CAN make you commit atrocities”, but they can also make you laugh or feel better about yourself or make you look at truth with a different view. That is, at its face, what any good art is, including good stand-up. Through this page, I will endeavor to make a written text to explain stand-up comedy, the artistic process, the worldview and the basic motivation for needing to be funny. I realize that this may be a long process. Let’s face it, what the hell do you have to do with your time? I also realize my motivation and world-view may not be the same as other comics, but lets always remember, my way is right, theirs is wrong.
