Auggie Smith

15:34
In order to truly understand Auggie’s message, you must first understand one simple, but vital thesis. “Our society is designed to keep you in your house.”

I’m not saying that this is necessarily an organized conspiracy, it doesn’t have to be, because a nation of overweight, scared, inbound, socially retarded drones is becoming the symptom of the larger disease. All day long, you are given reasons in America not to leave the house. Condoleeza Rice testified that before 9/11 they had been hearing sketchy reports that there may be a big attack against America but she said there were no details. WOW! Sounds exactly like what the rest of us have been hearing for the last three years. No specifics, just be afraid! And at first, we seemed to be united in being afraid. A nation standing shoulder to shoulder in fear, plastic wrapping our houses and hording duct tape because a good patriot is always paranoid. We were given terror alerts that changed color faster than the on-ramp light on the freeway and in the end, what happened? Nothing! Not one other attack on American Soil. Which leads us to one of two conclusions. Either covering your house in sarran-wrap and ironing your mail works, and scares off the terrorists, or the government made it into a bigger threat than it is. Well, why would they do that Aug? I say a scared society is one that needs its leaders. Someone to tell us everything will be okay. Just stay in your house, play your video games, look at internet porn and let us handle things. Then the big bad terrorists can’t hurt you. And oh, by the way, if you do go out, gas will cost $2.00 a gallon and, even if a terrorist doesn’t kill you, which he probably will, one of your fellow Americans will. I mean don’t you read the paper, it’s dangerous out there. Oh, and don’t eat anything or you will probably get the mad cow. And oh, don’t drink anything since alcohol is technically legal, but drinking alcohol and driving, walking, boating or being in motion in any way shape or form is illegal. And oh, if you smoke, like you’ve been told by the media to do since you were young, you should just stay home because it’s illegal to smoke indoors in America. And oh, if by accident, you do meet an actual live girl that will go home with you, you’ll either wake up the next morning in an ice-filled bathtub with your kidney gone, or two weeks later, you will discover a lesion on your penis that resembles Nixon’s profile. And oh, if you have kids, better not leave them with a babysitter cause they will probably be molested, you know, just like you were. What? You don’t remember that? Well you will with enough therapy. So, you go to a movie because what could happen to you there right? So you pay the $19.00 to get in and the other $20.00 for a soda and a box of Junior Mints so big, a homeless guy could sleep in it afterwards, only to sit next to a paranoid parent that brought his screaming kid to an R rated movie to save him from being photographed for the internet by Uncle Bad Touch. Really brother, wouldn’t it just be easier to stay home and not have to interact with any live people? I SAY NO! The fear ends now. The only way to win is to not be afraid, or to paraphrase a Stalone classic, “fear is the disease, Aug is the cure.”
12:03
Alright everybody, I realize I have been derelict in my duties of updating this page but that all ends today. Expect a road diary update at least once a week from now on.

Your pal

Aug

09:47
I think if Voltaire were alive today, he would probably write an opinion column for a weekly alternative newspaper in Seattle or Austin. I say this knowing little about Voltaire, except that he was a poet and philosopher and the only guys I know that describe themselves that way usually work the day shift at a Burrito place and perform open mic poetry every Tuesday at some Coffee house called St. Agatha’s Scar. So, my logic is that Voltaire would reach the upper echelon of these guys and achieve the intellectual Holy Grail of telling the rest of the world what is wrong with them, and get paid for it. I think the column would be called Voltaire’s Corner and next to the bi-line would be a shadowy picture of Voltaire, looking sternly at the camera, resting his chin on his fist. He would become well known for his biting political satire, and pimp slapping of the status quo. This popularity would pay the literary dividend of appearing on Charlie Rose and the Daily Show.

My point is this is the path a greater thinker must take in our age if he chooses the written word as his vessel. On the other hand, if Voltaire had chosen the spoken word, the only real option would be stand-up comedy. Lets face it, poetry readings will never become popular because of the universal truth that there is nothing more uncomfortable then listening to other people’s child-hood traumas as read from a Mead Notebook. So, Voltaire would hit the road, opening for guitar acts at hotel bars across the Midwest. After a while, “Johnny Voltaire” (as he would become known) would grow tired of always having to drive and getting the small room at the condo. So he would change his act, like you know, sell out. He would say things like “those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities…with my dick!” With that, a new catch phrase would be born. Then Voltaire would be making $10,000 and air for the weekend, and unloading his entire stock of “with my dick” t-shirts. All the while, some bitter old hack would sip Jim Beam at the Red Lion Bar, after a show and tell some young comic how he gave Voltaire the line “with my dick.” Droning on most of the night, about how everyone else in the business screwed him, without taking any of the blame himself for not writing a joke since Family Ties was on the air.

I guess my point “those who make you believe absurdities CAN make you commit atrocities”, but they can also make you laugh or feel better about yourself or make you look at truth with a different view. That is, at its face, what any good art is, including good stand-up. Through this page, I will endeavor to make a written text to explain stand-up comedy, the artistic process, the worldview and the basic motivation for needing to be funny. I realize that this may be a long process. Let’s face it, what the hell do you have to do with your time? I also realize my motivation and world-view may not be the same as other comics, but lets always remember, my way is right, theirs is wrong.